Quintessentially She
Boundaries
Recently, I have been pondering some decisions I have made over the past few years & I’ve come to the conclusion that I have set some serious boundaries for my mental health & well being. Yay Me! I won’t go into them in this article as the point here is to understand the need & setting of them.
When we set boundaries, they are for us on a personal level. For our peace of mind, our mental health & well being. Sometimes its very difficult to make an autonomous decision because of external influences, misunderstandings & such.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk dissppointing others"
Brene Brown, author & motivational speaker
Setting boundaries can be an awkward hurdle in the process of self contentment. They must be set anyway to help make life more bearable, keep us on track & to keep our promises to ourselves. This is how we care for our mental well being & in some cases our physical health.
We are not being selfish by setting boundaries, it’s a self care call!
People pleaser’s, like me, often find it very difficult to set a boundary & stick to them. Because I am an empathic people pleaser, I find it difficult to say No, simply because I feel as though I am letting people down if I do not address their happiness before my own. In this way, I am attempting to keep everyone around me in a happy state to achieve my own happiness. Being surrounded by happy people helps me to remain happy. This helps my boundary setting become more achievable. However, it places me in a position of responsibility for everyone else’s higher vibration, so that I too can feel content. It can be overwhelming & exhausting.
Can you relate?
Unfortunately, feeling responsible in this way has the adverse effect of draining our energy at the benefit of someone else’s contentment. The constant feeling of having to have the energy & responsibility for someone else’s high vibration & satisfaction can drive you to near exhaustion. Its all so chaotic & demanding. There is a lot of nervous energy surrounding situations like this.
This constant drive causes disharmony within ourselves & can attribute to us making bad decisions based on someone else’s wants / needs over our own. Ultimately, doing or feeling forced into saying yes to things we really don’t want to be doing, just to prevent the boat from rocking or upsetting a person. Of course this can leave us feeling powerless to change anything.
You can say No. Learn to say No.
“It's OK to have boundaries. You can tell someone "no" without having bad feelings toward them. You also never need to explain your boundaries once laid. A wise friend often states that "no" is a complete sentence.”
I have learned that some folk don’t take kindly to boundaries. Its like this;
How people react to your boundaries says more about them, than you or the boundary you’ve set yourself.
Furthermore, it is hard to set & stick to boundaries when we are made to feel guilty for having them. Its even more difficult when a boundary is blatantly ignored! Boundaries are not offensive. Trying to accommodate someone is not good for us if we are walking on eggshells or burning out, by trying not to upset them. We really shouldn’t be worrying over who we have upset, as boundary setting is more about you as an individual, not other People.
You are not responsible for someone else's reaction to your personal boundary
"When people set boundaries with you, its their attempt to continue the relationship with you. It's not an attempt to hurt you"
Elizabeth Earnshaw, therapist. LMFT, CGT, author
Remember,
Boundaries are for our mental health, well being & self care
A reaction is more about how a person perceives a boundary & is about them, not you .
The more we are true to our boundaries the easier it is to discuss them. thus avoiding misunderstanding or hurt feelings.
Don’t lose yourself in people pleasing. If this is happening, take a step back & ask yourself what it is you need from this situation. Talk about it, then set that boundary & stick to it!
Show yourself some self love!
You have the power to take back your power!
Thank you for your time
In gratitude
Sheela