Where Fear Lives
For me, this article has involved a great amount of meditation, regression, soul searching and cleansing. Fear has pervaded my life at several points and my self development processes have revealed the origins of my fears. I’ve practised a lot of meditation and delved very deeply into my personal psychology to be able to bring you this piece. Please understand that this is my personal journey, opinion and story. I say story, however this is not a detailed report of events, rather I will be discussing how I have managed long running issues during the seasons of my life. I have chosen just one event from my childhood which has affected me. I have frozen a moment in time, which had defined much of me for too long. This is me saying ‘enough!’ I am sure you will have your trigger points which you have struggled with and which possibly still have an effect on your life. Maybe its time for us to start looking at things and reacting to life in a different way, by combating the overarching emotional themes connected to these events. This has been my approach to bringing this article to you.
“As Burning Women we learn again and again to face fear, and to see it for what it is. Not a shut cage door or jail cell…but a portal of transformation. As Burning Women we learn again and again to stand in the face of fear, and feel it, rather than run or hide or capitulate. In feeling it fully we find our way through the other side….The way of the Burning Woman is an unveiling of another truth, a deeper truth: our own truth. But to find it we have to have the courage to walk through the other side of fear” (Lucy H Pearce, Burning Woman, 2016)
Fear….What is your greatest fear? I’ve asked myself that over and over. Mostly it comes to me as losing my loved ones, as I am sure it does with most of us. However, if I dig deeper into why I fear losing my loved ones, something quite dark comes about. I’ve been on a personal journey of self development and self discovery for some time now. I have come up against some unpleasant things which have pervaded my life. I am not only managing the way I react to them, I am healing from them and releasing them on a daily basis. I have carried too much for too long! There are more probing questions I have asked myself to get to the ground level of it all. Where does that fear originate? Can I go back and interact with it? Can I heal it? Am I powerful enough to overcome it?
Sometimes when I meditate I go so far back into my childhood. To the dreamy days of adventure and the heat of an Indian summer, to a time of being small where everything else seemed so huge. Where we tippitoed around an elephant which lay sleeping on a street corner exhausted from a days work, where the wind blew through the long grasses in the garden sounding like a thousand hissing snakes, where snake charmers came to play their hypnotic tunes to entice a resting reptile from its basket to dance on the wall outside, where pigs were let out to roam the streets and eat up all of the left out leftover food from the homes of local families. Where we played on the rooftop whilst eating watermelon and oranges in the heat of the day. Where a four year old can feel like a superhero going to ‘save’ her father and bring him home. Where life seemed so uncomplicated, it soon became so far too quickly and overwhelmingly.
When you are four years old and your parents are going through a moment within their relationship, which you couldn’t possibly understand or even know about, your brain is on so many other things such as dreaming up adventure. My adventure began when we went to India. I missed my dad so much I must have done my mum’s head in with my waking at night in tears for him, with my constant badgering about when he was going to be home and when I would next see him. It had already been months, I missed him and didn’t understand that where he was, was a whole world away from our home in England.
As my meditation deepens, the vision becomes stronger.
I leave my sister and cousins on the rooftop eating fruit and walk slowly and precariously down the steps and into the house. You see there is a door which I have been intrigued by since we arrived. One which other members of family have entered but we weren’t allowed to. I check the coast is clear. Super detective Sheela is on the case of ‘What’s inside the mystery room’. I had convinced myself that my dad was in that room and didn’t want to come out. I couldn’t believe that if he was there, he wouldn’t want to see me, to hold me and hug me like I wanted to him. I could smell incense wafting through this door and it was heady, but inviting. I creep forward and open the door to a beautifully carved wooden room divider and the smell of heavy incense. I could see another door on the other side of the room, open with a beautiful red sheer dancing on the afternoon breeze. I want so badly to see him. I call out to him….there is nothing, no sound other than the whistling of the bugs outside and the grass rustling in the breeze. As I continue into the room a hand touches my shoulder and takes me out of the room.
“He’s not in there Sheela.”
My uncle captured me being sneaky and I feel ashamed that he caught me being disobedient and yet hurt, that I didn’t get to look for myself. The vision ends. I come back to my centre and ground. Tears are running down my face at revisiting that time, that place, those memories.
We came home from India empty handed, no heroes, no dad. I’d failed in my mission to go save my dad and bring him home with us. And what has this meditation taught me? That there are a lot of wormholes in my memory of this time, after all I was only four. The one thing that comes to me is this; That door opened up some of my worst fears. Fears of failure, success, not being good enough and most of all abandonment & rejection. These fears have stuck with me until I decided enough was enough.
There is a door to healing and I am walking through it.
image credits: middletown art academy free image open door
Fear of failure versus fear of success.
I failed in my mission. What really mattered was that I may have never seen my father again. Whatever it was that held him there, I was not able to overcome. This feeling of failure stuck with me. I became afraid of failing again. So I became as good at everything as I possibly could. Then I feared to be successful because that meant I was sure of my abilities, but I was not, because I had failed when it mattered the most and I already had to deal with that on a regular basis. This internal struggle was with me and remained so for a very long time. Lets call this my work in progress? I have to ‘have a word with myself’ on regular occasions to quell the inner critic who raises her ugly head as often as she can. Just writing this article has taken me months of this fear of failure and success and attempting to replace that negative voice with something helpful, encouraging and positive.
“Nobody will read or like this article” vs “This is my story and only I can write it”
“You’re not qualified to write this information” vs “I have the ability to help other people who have suffered as I had, with my words of encouragement and personal wisdom”
“I can’t do this, its just public self pitying” vs “ I can do this, I’ve got this, I can share this with the world and there will always be someone it resonates with and in that space I heal and help others to do so”
Its a daily struggle, but if I hold my positive pluckiness up at the random times my self doubting inner critic goes on the warpath, I can accomplish the task I set myself.
I can succeed on my mission.
The outcome of my self doubt in an external capacity is that I have the ability to encourage other people to go for it. I build up their confidences, so they feel capable, never doubt their intuition and trust in their dreams. And now I feel that with my changing attitude toward negative / positive thought patterns, perhaps I can help people to understand the dynamic of turning their thoughts into positive affirmations which inspire rather than intimidate.
Fear of abandonment and not being good enough
I felt abandoned. I felt alone and that I was not good enough. I didn’t understand, but there it was, a lack of reciprocal importance where there should have been plenty. I wasn’t good enough to find him, not good enough to bring him home, not special enough for him. I suppose I became very sad. I still long to have succeeded in my expedition to the other side of the world. I would have had longer time to spend with him, to get to know him better, to understand him with more clarity. I realise that I was never really alone, I had an amazing mum and many other family members. I was loved and important to them. However, the feeling of not being good enough was another issue I was left with for a long time. It touched my whole life, my career, social life, love life, my family life, self image. I still fear birthing a new idea, beginning something new or continuing what I have been doing because, I may not be good enough in the eyes of others. I have carried this unworthiness for too long. I’ve had to learn to tell myself
“Not everything you do or are involved with will resonate with everyone. And do you know what? Thats ok with me”
Fear of Rejection
I was rejected by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally. Wow! I said it and it still hurts today! I’m not going to lie here, I do not handle rejection very well. I suppose I react to rejection like an untended Ivy plant, which grows wildly out of control when not tended to regularly. In this way I am free but also bound by the want to know what I’ve done wrong, or what I have done to deserve this rejection. Step two is aggressive growth, Ivy tends to spread out everywhere when left to, but throwing salt at its roots will make it whither and retreat for a while. I do exactly the same thing, as rejection is like a bucket of salty water. I return to my personal space to be, if I am given no reasoning behind the rejection. Ok I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but if this is someone who loves you, why give love freely then take it away with no cause, rhyme or reason? Step three is despondency, I give up, trying to find out, caring about what they want or are doing. I get on with myself and do what I want, which in some cases can be frustrating, but for me its the only way I know how to cope with the pain of rejection in a public way, to show strength and carry on. So call me Ivy, why don’t you!
I am very aware that my coping mechanisms are very telling, and these are my traits as a spiritual being having a human experience, to show strength and resilience, just like Ivy. Ivy is also known in the ancient Celtic world as the survivor, so I suppose these are my survival techniques.
I usually deal with the pain of rejection alone, but talking to someone about it can be good for you. I’ve often been there for others who have felt rejection in one way or another. It doesn’t baffle me that we are so insular about it either. Rejection is hard to handle in any circumstance, But showing no reaction is the hardest thing to do. In love, its near on impossible. My advice, and I do take my own medicine in this case, is Its always good to share your thoughts, your hurt and get a hug from someone who cares about the way you are feeling and understands your pain. Never think that you are alone, because in this arena you are not.
These side effects from experiences have brought me to an understanding of my fears and I have finally found acceptance in myself. How did reach that point? I kept telling myself “its ok to feel..” :-
“Do not fear the darkness which comes with each failed attempt, rather learn the lesson it has to teach”.
“Give yourself some credit for actually having a go at something new”
“Not everything you do will resonate with everyone, but that’s ok”
“Go ahead, feel the hurt and pain, but don’t let it swallow you whole. You get back up and fight for yourself with all the credibility and tenacity you have.”
“Grow and grow, then grow some more, never stop asking questions and never stop growing”
Life lessons such as these have taught me to realise and to act on my greatest fears in life, to not care so deeply about what other people think I should, be or have accomplished. So here I am, finally doing what I should have been doing all along, facing the fear head on, talking & walking freely in my truth, in my own light and trying to help others to find their own light. I recognise and honour my pain and in this process, I am healing from it. I walk taller than I have before, not constantly fearing rejection, but realising that what makes me happy, who I am or what I do will not resonate with everyone and that is fine with me. I have found my door to healing and I am walking over the threshold wild and free.
And so it is!
“The doors to the world of the wild self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have and old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door”
(Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, Women Who Run With Wolves: Contacting the power of the wild woman)
You have been stuck in that rut for too long! I see you, I hear you, I know that talk, that space and that bind. It will last as long as you allow it to. It is not what has made you. What is inside, how you react is what makes you who you are. Look deep within and listen to your spirit. Do you need to change the way you think, the way you perceive? Do you need to change your internal dialogue? This you can do. Yes you can. You’ve got this! You too can heal. Just open that door.
Evolving
I intend to be the greatest version of my authentic self.
Every step I take brings me closer to my truth.
My voice maybe soft but is amplified as I learn to speak my truth from a place of authenticity.
I stand fully present in each moment of my transition.
And in each moment I am glorious.
Sheela Adhar © 2018
Thank you for reading this Quintessentially She article. I hope you have enjoyed it and take something positive from it. Please feel free to leave a comment, like, share with my gratitude.
Bright blessings to you all, until the next time.
Credits:
Pearce, L. 2016, Burning Woman, Womancraft Publishing, Cork, Ireland
Pinkola-Estes,C. 2008, Women Who Run With Wolves: Contacting the power of the wild woman, Edbury Publishing, UK.
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